We’re all guilty of being obsessed with technology, some of us to the point where we’ve developed a sensual relationship with it. Think about it. The fact that most of us spend every other minute caressing our smartphones in anticipation of incoming messages and to peep the latest social media updates says a lot. And if it was realistically possible, there might actually be some people out there who would pull a Joaquin Phoenix and make love to their operating system, as he did in the tech comedy Her. But this infatuation we all share for advanced gadgetry is actually being applied to sex toys, with a number of erotic device manufacturers pushing the limits of electronic stimulation–in the creepiest and wildest ways imaginable. From digital condoms to hands-free masturbation tools, these are the 10 Craziest Hi-Tech Sex Toys Out There.
The Autoblow 2
Fleshlights are slowly becoming the standard for self-pleasuring males. Well, this more advanced model of the electronic penis massager uses vibrating beads to stimulate your junk until the point of combustion. The user guide is as follows: insert the reusable (and washable) sleeve, then your penis, and select one of three speeds. It’s obviously something you don’t want lying around when company is over.
Electric Eel Digital Condom
Seeing how the rubberized contraceptive hasn’t changed much since its inception, the idea of an open source, digital condom sounds…well…unnecessarily dangerous. The Electric Eel is basically a sleeve wired with electrodes that also hook up to a microcontroller for power, which sends electrical impulses to your shaft for the sake of magnifying the sensual vibrations created via penetration. Maybe the cast of Jackass can test this sucker out, cause we won’t.
The KIIRO involves a pair of sex toys designed to please both a man and woman…remotely. Women use the touch-sensitive vibrator, which measures the “depth and speed of penetration,” then sends the data to the male toy where they’ll supposedly “feel” the same arousal. And for the guys struggling to find a digital booty call, they can sync the device with their porn catalog.
Engaging in virtual sex with a 3D avatar sounds entertaining. But let’s not fool ourselves here: it’s no substitute for the real thing or the POV action you can score at the strip club. Don’t judge. The shaky, hollow cylinder comes paired with a pair of VR goggles, creating the facade that you’re getting busy with an animated chick. Nuff said.
Dubbed the “GoPro of sex toys,” the Gaga is basically a vibrator with a built-in camera that allows any dude to see what’s going on inside their girl’s vagina. What’s even more disturbing is you can control it from a smartpone app. Yea, remind us again why we want to take on the role of gynecologist with our sex partners? Oh wait, we don’t!
Considering the large percentage of iPad users who log into Safari to watch porn, it’s no surprise that someone actually came up with this. The LaunchPAD straps a fleshlight onto Apple’s slate to provide first-person satisfaction while checking out erotic clips online or engaging in sex cam action with others. Just the thought of it being billed as a contraption that lets you bang your tablet is gross.
Introducing the world’s first “guybrator.” Wait…what? The male static simulator apparently uses oscillations to get you off: hands-free. It’s also been said the PULSE was built to help those who suffer from erectile dysfunction. Guess that counts for something, right?
Another companion-enabled sex toy, LovePalz comes with separate units for a male and female. Each connects to respective computers, and when getting busy with one, it responds to the other with whatever sense of pleasure is being emitted. In other words, you’re pretty much F’ing yourself.
For the lazy masturbator comes the Imtoy—a wireless suction toy carrying a threesome of motors and 30 vibrational movements that is compatible with your smartphone or tablet. What makes it bizarrely attracting? It can supposedly mimic what’s happening in a porn movie. We’ll leave it at that.
By now, you’ve already seen enough episodes of Real Sex to know that the RealDoll is a frightening thing to keep in your house, let alone engage in sexual intercourse with. A life-sized doll equipped with robotic hip actuators, finger skeletons, and computer-controlled speech feedback that’s valued at $5,000…paying for sex with a real woman just seems like a much simpler alternative.